EP237: Empowering women in leadership: Insights from Natasha Skolny

Thanks so much, Brad, for having me.

Yeah, so my business is the Leadership Cabin, and I started it about two years ago now. I support leaders at all levels, specifically female leaders who are looking to really step out of their comfort zone and lead from a place of authenticity. So I work with them from a coaching standpoint, and I help work with them and their teams to create self-led teams who can really speak up. talk to each other, have really strong conversations so that they can reach the goals that they want to achieve.

Yeah, such a great question. I have worked almost 10 years within the construction industry. And what I was doing is I was supporting leaders through their own development and becoming better versions of leaders for themselves. And what I was finding through the coaching experience is a lot of the women I was supporting were struggling really hard with using their voice and showing up as themselves. And it was tearing them apart. And so I thought there is something here that I know I can do to help support them so that they can feel like themselves again and truly have an impact and lead in a way that feels really good for them too.

I had women who were in, we called them high potential leadership programming. So women who we knew were going to be moving up in the organization, like getting promoted, moving up the corporate ladder. And we created programming that helped them to develop their leadership skills and become more effective. And within those programming, I supported them from a coaching standpoint. So I would work with them on. helping them understand what is it that they want to achieve for themselves as a leader and what's getting in the way from that happening. And it was through those conversations, through those coaching conversations that actually unpacked a lot of the stuff that we were talking about around like what's getting in the way to the root is them just not feeling like they can show up as themselves. And so that really influenced how I wanted to work with women going forward.

The constant feeling of wanting to please other people. And in a room where sometimes you've got diverse opinions, it's like, how do I show up and share what's important to me when I know it's going to disrupt? the thinking in the group when really what I want to do is feel inclusive and feel like I'm part of the group. So we can get in our own heads simply because we have this fear of not feeling like we're going to be included or the actual standing out and thinking differently is going to cause some sort of disruption that we're really uncomfortable with doing. So a lot of those pieces can influence just not. sharing your voice.

There are a lot of legitimate concerns and I see it on a regular basis. And it's not something that is really openly talked about when it's happening either. And so there's not as much awareness. But I facilitate conversations and I facilitate teams and I see it happening in real life as well. one woman in the group and she's speaking and she's surrounded by other men and they're talking over her or she's got an idea and she's not being heard, but someone else says it and then it's been heard. And it's unknown. They don't realize that it's happening, but that suddenly those examples start silencing that one person and the other people don't actually realize it. And so it definitely is not in their head. It happens. And it's about how do we continue to educate and support women who are looking to really grow in that space?

Yeah. What I like to come back down to is we all have our internal motivators and needs of things that we need to make sure we get solved for ourselves internally. And if we were to examine closely, like what those actually are and how they tie to our values and how that shows up, there's a lot, I would say 80% of. the thoughts of what we're creating are being reinforced by stories that we've created based on our upbringing, based on our exposure. And we're reinforcing a lot of the things because those were our beliefs. And so it's about how do we transfer our beliefs from what they were based on stories to re kind of framing the story in a way that supports us to move forward and then use that to influence how we show up in those conversations.

We create these stories that we believe to be true. And we look for that evidence. We look for valid validation on the story that we're telling ourselves. And so unless we're willing to go to a place where we can challenge our own stories and the things that we have learned along the way, it's difficult to shift that mindset and it's difficult to move through it.

One of the best ways is, is through awareness. And, um, it is part of the reason why I do what I do because sometimes people see things about you that you don't always see in yourselves. And I can tell you from my personal experience, I work with a coach. I have someone who I talk to and I work through my own challenges because they get to challenge me in different ways that. I'm not looking necessarily in those directions. So it is the power of working with someone and having a coach who can start to create that awareness for you so that you can look at different angles. The easiest way if you were to kind of self-coach yourself would be to ask yourself in the situation, what is the validity to what I'm seeing? And my favorite way of describing it is if someone had a video camera. and was actually filming you, what are the actual things that were happening that you can start reflecting on to know the actions that got taken? Because a lot of the time we let our emotions and our feelings dictate what we believe about the situation. And it's about taking and removing some of that away so that you can fully. see things for what they are and decide then at that point, do I need to be more curious? Do I need to ask some more questions? Is there another conversation that I need to have? But when you remove the emotional side, you can think clearly about how you want to approach the situation.

Yeah, that's a that's a great thought there, too, because I think there's so much power in tapping into the female intuition and their ability to have that caregiving aspect to it. There's so much in leadership around how to connect and build trust with the people around you that when women are able to tap into what they naturally do best, it actually brings so much goodness out of the people around them. And so, yes, I agree to an extent that like when you're looking to solve problems, the emotional side can really cloud the direction of the decision on where you want to go. And there's so much that we carry with our emotions that are the reasons why we're in certain situations that until we can actually acknowledge what's happening and have empathy for the people and their situations and what they're going through, we can't really move through it either. So it's this really nice combination that I think women bring to leadership if they can use that to their advantage to lead.

Yeah,100%. Knowing when to dial it up or to dial it back and knowing how to adjust that based on the situation, for sure.

A hundred percent. Right.

The other thing I'll add on to that too is there's so much there around when you have the awareness, then you can also self-regulate as well. And that's the piece that... When we have the awareness, we can go to that next step and use those strategies that are going to help us move from, okay, I'm having this reaction and I'm getting heated and I'm getting frustrated. So what can I do about it? Let's look at it for what it is. There's obviously something that's really bothering me because something's really important to me that's happening. Either I'm being challenged in a way where it's like to my core. hitting one of my personal values, or I completely disagree with what's going on, or I don't know how to show up in this search situation, this is creating a lot of like uneasiness. So knowing just how your body is responding and how you're reacting allows you to go, okay, I need to move myself from this fight flight type of reaction to settling my nervous system so that I can actually respond and communicate in a way that's going to move things forward.

Whatever the situation is or whatever the thing that you're holding on to, it typically comes from a place of fear. Something that you're scared of, something that you're feeling really uncomfortable. So if we use your example, and we want to build a little bit more confidence speaking up and just like sharing a voice, one of my favorite things is to use the four box breathing technique. And this is something that came from like Navy SEALs when they are highly under pressure and need to make really clear, really good decisions with a clear mindset. I loved using this in the construction industry as well, because, you know, you're dealing with health and safety challenges. Like you're not dealing with small potatoes here. There's certain situations where it is actually life or death. And you're dealing with high pressure based on needing to get something done pretty quickly. And you're dealing with costs. And there's a lot of people that are involved. And so being able to, in the moment, make decisions and move things forward is an important part too. a lot of people's jobs. So the four box breathing is really simple. I mean, if I were to just break it down, you're looking at following a box with your eyes and you're inhaling for four seconds, holding your breath for four seconds, exhaling for four seconds, holding for four seconds and continuing to work yourself around the box four times. That's really all it takes. And then once you've done that, it slows down your breath to a place where your body is actually feeling safe. But more importantly, you're being taken out of the fight or flight so that you can say what you need. And you can speak up a little bit more and you can move through the fear reaction that's there. So you can do what you need to do. The other thing, and I know this is kind of hit or miss depending on who's been doing this before or what you think of journaling, but journaling is such a great way to start paying attention to your reactions and the things that are happening in your body when you're in that moment. I mean, I can talk about my own experience. When I first started speaking up a lot more, it was like my heart would race, my face would go red, I would tremble with what I would say. And I knew that about myself. I started paying more attention to when that was happening. And I would continue to put myself in situations where I could slow down my breathing and start nudging towards doing more of that for myself.

Oh my gosh, yeah.

Yeah, I call it a behavior tracker. And it's essentially the same thing, right? And the questions are around, okay, what is the situation? What was my reaction? And what was the impact of that reaction? And... I love your question around why is it that I responded in this way? Like dig in a little bit further around what might've been triggered in a situation that was really important to me that I'm starting to notice why that was my response. And that's where, yeah, of course, you'll make some more connections. You'll start to see those patterns. And that's when you can start dealing with a lot of those, those challenges for sure.

Absolutely.

No, I haven't read that one.

Yeah, I love it. I will definitely take a read of it. It's right up my alley. But yeah, everything that we believe now. has been something that we established since the age of seven. And so there is real, I mean, we use the word trauma. It may have been trauma, but any sort of conversations on a feeling that we had before the age of seven, we stored in ourselves. And it shows up in different situations. So there's just so much goodness in being able to track it and go back in time to say, okay, why did that really, why was that really important to me? Why did that matter? What was it about that situation that will connect it back to your childhood? I mean, the beauty of it is you can actually go back and heal your inner child. And that's a whole nother podcast, you know, but there's definitely work. And that's something that I've definitely played in with a coach of mine as well.

Yeah. And same thing where if we're using your example about speaking up too, if you track back, there were likely instances before the age of seven, when you either said something and someone got angry at you, or someone said something that you weren't able to over express your feelings in a way that you felt good doing. And you've now internalized it as when I express myself, I'm in trouble. And so you carry that. throughout your life. So it's just really neat to be able to go back to the source.

Yeah, absolutely. And like, that is the power of working with people who really. are finding that, oh, something just doesn't feel good about what I'm doing right now. And I want to have more of an impact in the work that I'm doing or something just feels off. It's like there is something that hasn't been unlocked from the past that hasn't allowed them to fully express themselves in a way that feels really good. And so being able to redefine that with people that I work with has been super, super powerful.

So I'm with you. And I think if if you go at it from like a learner's mindset, I think we're all always fingering out. our mindset and we all have limitations and patterns and things that are going to show up. But I love being in the work too. It's, it's fascinating to me.

How did I get back here? How did I get here? Right? I agree. And I think the more work that we do on ourselves, the shorter that period of time is that we actually stay in that place. And so even though it's not gone, we recognize it faster and we can rewire faster as well. So reframing. whatever that negative thought is in a way so that you can move yourself forward instead of staying stuck or feeling stuck is where I see the shift or the change in the mindset.

Yeah. The way that I would recommend it is, like, I ask my clients to take stock of everything that is in their world right now that's reinforcing whatever old beliefs they have and what's contributing to that mindset. And so I actually have them like map out from morning until bedtime, like what is happening in your day and what are the things that are reinforcing those mindset thing, negative mindsets. And what are the things that are helping you? Because the more that we can level up the things that are. looking at that new way of thinking or helping you move through it, the more that we're going to have the confidence to do more of that as well. And then the other thing is like the reframing is a big deal because our thoughts are really what, what we say to ourselves has an impact in how we act and what we do. And even though we don't believe it necessarily in the moment, even just saying it is actually telling our subconscious that this is what we want to happen. And it starts believing it. So there is an actual shift that we can do from a neuroscience perspective to create more neural pathways that are going to help you live into this new version of how you want to react. And so I can take an example of... You know, every time I have a conversation with this particular client, they react in a way where it just like pisses me off or gets me so upset and angry. And when I actually look at the situation, I can see it's because the way that they're communicating with me is actually making me feel like my idea doesn't matter. And my idea does matter. And I'm going to go into that next situation. And when that happens, I'm going to take two big breaths and I'm going to tell myself my idea matters. And I'm going to say it in a way that it's actually going to help me feel good about what I'm explaining or what I'm saying and how they react is not actually on me. It's them processing something. It's them going through it. And so it's getting in the habit of what are the situations that really bring me down or have me react. And prepare yourself for those situations again, reframe it and how you want it to happen, and then have it happen in that way. So it's a little bit of work from that sense, but you can actually start planning it out and prepping yourself for those situations to work through it and become even more resilient in that way.

Yeah. And not planning it in a way necessarily where you like, this is everything that you want to say or they're going to say, but this is how I'm going to react and respond in a moment. This is how I want to show up and really tap into how you want to feel.

Yes, I can give, I can give you an example. I facilitate all the time to groups of people. And sometimes I have people who look like they're falling asleep and in your head. the narrative that I would have was what I'm saying is not important. What I'm saying is not of value. And of course, if I keep telling myself that, I'm going to show up in front of the group and it's not going to go well. So when I see people who are kind of falling asleep or are yawning, I use that as a way to say, wow, this is their way of processing information. And they really are trying to take it all in. And this is a lot for them. So slow down and adjust and be more impactful with what you say. And it gives me now excitement when I see people yawn because I'm like, this is working, even though it may not be working necessarily, but the reframe gets me to enhance my performance. And then I deliver in a way that I want to deliver. So it's really the rewiring of our mindset that changes our performance.

A hundred percent. Yeah. I love this question because confidence, yes, repetition and continuing to. put yourself out there and try things is going to help. The thing that I come back to with confidence is building self-confidence and following through with the things that you commit to yourself to doing. And so for a lot of the times, like, especially I'll speak to women, we put ourselves last on the list on taking care of ourselves. So, you know, especially if you have family or kids or. people that you're taking care of. You typically put everyone's needs first. Well, what happens psychologically is you start telling yourself you're not worth it enough. And so reinforcing the integrity with yourself by saying, I am going for a walk every morning because that's my commitment to myself is a way of creating confidence because it creates that integrity where you start to trust yourself more. And so just looking for opportunities like that on where are you letting yourself down because you're not following through with the things that you need to do and start making that a priority. That's

You got it. A lot of that also resentment or just like guilt and resentment are a lot of the clues that you're not following through with the things that you want to do for yourself. And so a lot of people don't do things because they feel guilty. But guilty, the way I look at it, is you're self-honoring. And you're about to upset someone else and you're putting weight on that. So those are, and if you're resentful of someone else who's having more fun or enjoying what they're doing, it's usually a reflection of you not doing that for yourself. So just paying attention to some of those clues is going to help you see where you're losing integrity with yourself and where you can build that self-trust.

And from a leadership standpoint, there's so much greatness that happens when you step away from things. One, you're modeling to other people that. You should be doing this for yourself too. So people are seeing it and you're actually going to see what they're capable of when you're not there, which is also really awesome. But I also get, you know, they've got, they've got a heavy workload.

Wow.

What's my favorite book?

Oh, it is. Okay.

I'm sorry about that.

One of the books that I would recommend is you already know how to be great by Alan Fine.

That one is, it really focuses on the noise and the things that get in our way in order from really thriving. And it takes such a great coaching perspective as well on how to tap into removing the noise, but also leaning into being curious. And so that's one that I would highly recommend. Yeah. And the other question that I probably would ask would be, what led me to get to this place or what led me to get to? my business or what I'm doing. And since we did tack into or tap into sort of childhood inner child stuff, I would say this really evolved for me because when I made the connection, it wasn't until about probably eight, nine years ago, I grew up with a learning disability that my confidence was like super low because I found out when I was in grade seven, my Like all I wanted to do was just feel included by everyone else. And I was standing out. I've had to have accommodations in order to get to where I got. And so I covered it up feeling like, okay, if no one knows about this, then I'll just be treated the same. Worked for a while until I started realizing that my curiosity in how people learn was the piece that actually. propelled me forward and got me into learning and development and into curiosity with coaching. And it came so naturally to me and I didn't realize it until I started making the connection to I process information differently. That's why I can actually make these connections for people and share it in a way that has an impact. And so tapping into our past is such a powerful way to start leaning into the strengths that are going to propel us forward. So that's

Yeah, you bet. So my website is www. theleadershippin. com. I am active on LinkedIn, active on Instagram. Reach out if you've got questions around something, if you're interested in leadership coaching, and even if you have a team that you're building and you want them to better communicate and... connect with each other so that you can achieve the goals, then reach out to me, send me a message, and I'd be happy to have a chat with you.

Mostly women, but I also, for team dynamic workshops, I work with men who have women on their team and it just works. Gotcha. Awesome.

That is the vision. That is where it's going. I love it.

Thank you. Thanks for having me.